I have one pattern that I don’t fully understand yet. I’m not even sure if it’s a pattern or just the normal cycle of life. But each time it happens, it hurts me to the core. In the back of my mind, it’s one the stories I continually tell myself; if I love someone, they will leave me.
It started when my father left us. My six year old mind deduced that anyone I cared for would leave me, so I shouldn’t get too close. I instantly proceeded to put up a wall to keep just about everyone out.
After my father left, my mom went into a functional depression. She essentially withdrew from us. She took care of our basic needs but not our emotional ones. I don’t remember ever feeling nurtured by her. As such, my older sister became our “little mommy” since she was really the one to care for us. She and my brother were the only people I really cared for.
Then, five years later, my older sister left. Much in the same way as my father did. I was crushed. Her leaving confirmed what my younger self had concluded. From that moment, my wall became industrial strength. But I had a little door that only kids could come through. I loved kids because they loved back unconditionally. And they were safe to love because they wouldn’t leave. But once they got older, they were too big to fit through my door. Since then, besides any kids, I’ve only really loved two people. And they have both walked out of my life. Hence the pattern.
I first consciously realized this pattern while I was lying in bed with a man I was messing around with. He was searching for a job and told me that he was considering one in Tennessee. My insides shook and a tear started to form in my eye. I remember thinking, “See, it’s happening again. Every time I get close to someone they end up leaving.” I quickly put up my defenses and feigned like it didn’t bother me, but I was crushed once more.
Since the second of my loves left my life, I’ve really been thinking about why this keeps happening. Is it something that I keep perpetuating like a self-fulfilling prophesy? Or is it just me misconstruing the natural events of life? For any reason, it’s something I need to work out.
One way I’ve begun to come to terms with this pattern is by accepting that not everyone will follow along my path forever. That people do come into and out of your life so you must enjoy and be grateful for the time you have/had together. This doesn’t heal the wound entirely, but it does make the pain bearable. However, my goal is to live life uninhibitedly and to its fullest. It is only when I am able to fully understand and cope with what’s happening here, that I’ll be able to.